Marge. Sept 24, 1935- March 22, 2016

Alzheimer's won. It was a predictable outcome. There is no cure. The pain of my mom's death this week was overwhelming. With life comes loss and sorrow but man this is something I've never felt before. Her fall I wrote about in my last post did something to her: She never recovered. Never walked again. Never really spoke again. Just went downhill so fast her passing really took us all by surprise, including the care givers.

Watching her die over the last two weeks was brutal. It hurt so bad every time I saw her. Emotions ran deep; hurt, regret, remorse, anger, shock, pity, mercy. It ultimately had an outcome I didn't expect: I spiritual awakening and message from God that absolutely blew me away. Sure, in moments of extreme grieving we tend to turn to God and prayer. I did, many times. And I believe He answered my prayers and at the same time accomplished his mission: draw me closer.

So many things happened during her final days, the days leading up to the funeral, at the funeral and after her burial. ALL those events could take up many new posts. But needless to say, when you see your loved one suffer, die, and laying there in a casket, most people with any heart try to believe there is an afterlife. I chose heaven. I either had to believe she went back to a piece of dirt with no soul or her years of believing and helping the church she attended and her telling me not too long ago she believed in God and Jesus, were about to pay off.

The image I had as I laid in bed the moment before the phone rang with my sister telling me she just died was one of miracles: I saw her face and she said "Everything is ok now." Spirit and soul released from her decaying and now lifeless body. Taken to heaven to rejoice with God and other souls. For me, this was the path I chose and continue to embrace the past 6 days. I've been a believer of God. I've been wishy washy on Jesus. And I always hoped heaven is real and that one day I'd go there. Most people believe this.

I'm all in today, Easter 2016. Jesus Has Risen. My mom is in heaven. My story ends.

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Eulogy I presented during her funeral-

Thanks everybody for coming today. It’s been a stressful couple of weeks for our family but we all came together and with the many prayers and words of encouragement from so many people we have arrived together to both mourn and now celebrate my mom’s life. Imagine the celebration right now going on in Heaven as she’s been made whole again and is with all the people who have passed through this world to eternal life.

Her Christian faith was renewed when she met my stepfather LeRoy and became active members at Christ the Servant Lutheran Church here in Waukesha, involved in Sunday school and she was an usher. and Joy Community Church in Arizona, choir, Sunday school teacher. She had true faith in God and Jesus Christ.

I did a bit of research on how Lutheran’s approach dying and funerals and put together the following biblical readings and prayers:

Romans 6:3-5

3 Know ye not, that so many of us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death?

4 Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.

5 For if we have been planted together in the likeness of his death, we shall be also in the likeness of his resurrection.

23rd Psalm

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. Amen

Revelation 21:1-7

21 And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.

2 And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

3 And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.

4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

5 And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

6 And he said unto me, It is done. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely.

7 He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son.

APOSTLE’S CREED

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and earth;

and in Jesus Christ, His only Son Our Lord, Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried.

He descended into Hell; the third day He rose again from the dead;

He ascended into Heaven, and sitteth at the right hand of God, the Father almighty; from thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body and life everlasting.

Amen.

THE LORD’S PRAYER

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Memories of Mom

My mom will be remembered for many things. And I can’t think of one that isn’t good. I can surely remember certain times way back when where certain people did certain things that didn’t quite meet my mom’s approval and that certain person usually was taught a lesson about how my mom viewed the world. Funny thing, mom’s are always right. She was a simple woman, uncomplicated, who enjoyed the basic pleasures of life, family, laughing and was pure in her thoughts. I’ve asked God to take away my rough edges and make me a smooth stone like my mom.

Let’s lighten things up a bit. Let’s celebrate and compare notes and memories....

Chocolate & Ice Cream

• If you haven’t indulged in the chocolate treats, please do. Go slow. And savor the sweetness of life as it melts away into your body.
• Custard at Kopps was always a viable alternative to any “real meal”. Because of the gene pool it’s rare I can go one day without some type of ice cream treat. My daughter Adrianne has the same gene passed down from her grandma.

Desert sunsets & Palm Trees

• Maybe it was being born in California that drew her back to the Valley of the Sun, but Mom and LeRoy spent many years in Sun City Arizona. One of my best memories is when I went down there to pack her up and move back to Wisconsin. After a busy day, we went out on her patio and watched the sun go down. It was a beautiful hot desert night. The palm trees were quiet. We sat there for at least an hour or two talking about our lives. It was really a special time together.

Homemade waffles the old-fashioned way

• Christmas morning was what I can remember when Mom would cook these up. She was old school---Bisquik, eggs, milk with Crisco.
• While I didn’t use Bisquik, Adrianne and I just had homemade waffles the other day. The tradition lives on.

Mom’s special meat loaf, baked potato and corn

• I remember having to run home from school to put the meatloaf dish in the oven she had made up in that morning. 350 for 1 hour.

Uncooked chocolate chip cookie dough- licked fresh off the beaters

• Amazingly, my sister and I are still here and I can’t remember ever getting food poisoning. So much for food warnings!

Steamed broccoli with mayo

• Not sure where this came from but we still eat it this way at home and Laura likes it.

Great tuna fish sandwich with diced pickles, mayo and yellow mustard

• Does this need any more explanation?

Her bad back, days in the hospital with “traction” weights hooked up to her

• The Estes Park trip in colorado that ended up with her in the ER when her back gave out.

P.s. Thanks again for the genes as both me and my sister have chronic back problems

She paid attention to the little details

• Her house was always spotless and I think LeRoy was a big driver for keeping the house organized

In the morning, sitting quietly in a chair with a hot cup of coffee

• I like mine pretty strong and I usually had to dial it back a bit for her when I made it.
• You know Mom I’m a coffee snob and never really approved of the K-cups

She was a medical transcriptionist for years at Waukesha Memorial Hospital and could spell words like

Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia

P.s. this is the name of an ice cream headache

Last but surely not least---

Happiness found with LeRoy. Re-united once again in heaven... with our Lord Jesus Christ.

Reflection and contemplation are good things for us to engage in, especially in times like these. Losing your mother or anybody you love teaches us about our own life here on Earth. We ask ourselves what we could have done different; mainly looking at our shortcomings. But, we’re all human and fall short of the glory of God. Jesus said it.

My mom dying has helped me become a better person. I feel God’s will was done so he could draw me closer to Him. Acouple weeks ago I asked my mom if she believed in God and Jesus. She looked right at me and said yes. I believe there is a place called Heaven. I believe my mom is now in heaven.

What is heaven like? Here are some biblical facts about heaven. It is …

• God's dwelling place (Psalms 33:13).
• Where Christ is today (Acts 1:11).
• Where Christians go when they die (Philippians 1:21-23).
• The Father's house (John 14:2).
• A city designed and built by God (Hebrews 11:10).
• A better country (Hebrews 11:16).
• Paradise (Luke 23:43).

What the heck are we going to do when we get to heaven?

Here are five things that will occupy us in heaven. We will …

• Worship without distraction.
• Serve without exhaustion.
• Fellowship without fear.
• Learn without fatigue.
• Rest without boredom.

My mom believed in Jesus and knew the only way to God and heaven was through Him. I believe her spirit and soul will live for eternity in heaven.

Memory Care Here I Come

The day arrived as any other day would. It's summer. Beautiful blue sky, warm temps. It's July. Or is it August. What day is it? What city are we in? What planet do we live on? That last question was posed to my mom. Her answer....the United States. So it is with Stage 6-7 Dementia. That flavor of Alzheimer's that hits you hard. And takes away the only thing that makes up your life: memories.

It's been about 5 years to the month since I first started this blog. Hell, I forgot to post many of the most important stories. But today is a big day. I'm moving Mom to the memory care area at Harbour Village in Glendale, Wisconsin. I can honestly say I don't think she'll live 5 more years.

My mother-in-law stayed at Harbour House, which is the quaint name for memory care at Harbour Village. I think it's one of the best in our area. With an entry price of $4900 per month, I believe it's reasonable. I didn't shop around. I heard what many others are paying. Just the other day a friend of mine said his mother is in a place in Chicago at a whopping $10,000 per month! Now, she needs advanced medical services too, which are extra, no matter where you go. At Harbour my mom's bill will be $500 extra per month for medical services. But at what price, life? For our family, we have the money to go the distance, whether that's good or bad, I don't know.

When you see some of the residents, I'd say it's not living; it's existing. Waiting to die. Many don't even know it. Their brains are so deteriorated from the disease they don't even have the cognitive reasoning to know they're dying. But hey, let's spend thousands of dollars a month so we can watch you wither away in front of our eyes. Because that's the right thing to do? Memory care. If you have no memory, what are they caring for? The more I write, the more it makes me wonder what the hell am I doing?

I asked my mom what she would want me to do if she reached the advanced stages of dementia. She said, "Kill me." And while I agree it could be a merciful thing to do, I have to let God make that decision. Plus, would I have the balls to actually do it? Her suffering isn't that great, yet.

A friend of mine, his wife and I moved my mom out of her two bedroom apartment into the "room". It's a studio, with a toilet room, a closet and a window. The exit doors are locked. Code access only with assist from the staff. Family does not get the code. Residents don't get to go outside unassisted. The courtyard is fenced, with no gates. It's kinda like a fancy prison. With Dementia as the warden. You don't even need to misbehave to receive more quarantine punishment. The disease will take care of that all by itself.

So, we're all situated now. New mattress pad to soak up the pee. Smaller bed. 1/10 of your clothes. Memories will be made at your new home, Mom. The finality of it all hits you: This is where you will die. Call it cruel or morbid thinking. But it's true.

We're All Going to Die Sometime

Such profound words from a woman with Stage 6 Dementia. The crippled mind can still associate human emotions with consequences, even if they're not the result of immediate actions. Today we met with the caregivers at Harbor Village. The time is quickly approaching when we have to make that tough decision about moving Mom to memory care.

It's been months, maybe a year since my last post to this blog. Life just flashes by; who's got time to write about memories. Especially on a blog that so few know about. But, so many are in the same boat. With Alzheimer's and dementia cases climbing at astronomical rates, lots of families will be impacted. For me, at 58, chances are I'll be diagnosed at some point. And when we reach this point where you can't take care of yourself, and your actions are viewed as "dangerous", the family is left with a choice: what to do with the patient. Remember caregiver, that's my mom (or dad).

So cold and seemingly matter of fact was the discussion.My sister is an RN and works with people who are dying: so close to death they can taste it. And they surely resemble it with their outward appearance. It's interesting when you see someone at the end of their life and think "they look like they're going to die." At least, that's the way I think.

"Mom, nobody's going to die." Those were my calming words. Even though, strangely enough, this move, this place, memory care, is about getting ready to succumb to the disease. For my mother-in-law it took 8 years of getting ready: Physically strong, mentally wasting away, it was brutal to watch this person remain alive with advanced Alzheimer's.

Another Day Gone By

Imagine not knowing what day it is?

When I go on vacation I really want to forget what day it is and just relax. Unfortunately I have to remember when it's time to pack and go back home. Now that sucks!

So many things we take for granted: Like waking up and knowing what day of the week it is, what month we're in, and the year. My mom is having a really hard time with that. Stage 4 Dementia. She has a big printed calendar on her kitchen counter...but she doesn't know what day it is when she looks at it.

So we bought her a digital clock that has a calendar feature; day/month/year. Just for today, she can look at it and know, not remember, what day today is. She puts an X on her printed calendar marking another day gone by and knowing that she is losing her memory.

It's Monday, October 22. I know that for sure because my computer calendar shows that. I guess it's right. The TV news told me that too. For the working world, Monday's suck. As fast as time goes by right now, Monday is great. I've got a second job interview this morning. It could be a really great Monday, October 22, 2012. Do you remember what you did last Monday? You probably have to go to your calendar to jog that memory....

Thanksgiving

Yesterday I went with my daughter to visit Mom for lunch. We weren't going to see her on Thanksgiving and Adrianne had no school so it was a good opportunity.

Mom invited us in, since A hadn't seen her place yet. I think she enjoyed showing her where she lived. Still complaining about the clothes dryer.

The topic of Christmas came up and Mom asked what Adrianne wanted as a gift. Money, of course. I asked mom what she wanted, and she said "My memory back." She still knows that she has a memory problem, so I guess that's a good thing. If you can call Alzheimer's a good thing.

On the Road Again

Today, I invited Mom out to the house for dinner. The challenge was if she could find her way by herself...given my directions. Hurray! She did it. One small step for man, one giant leap for Mom! And she made it back home without incident. It made me feel good, I hope she felt the same.

Earlier in the week I went over to finish doing some decorating and she informed me she stopped using the Exelon patch and that she didn't have a memory problem. She also said she started having the side affect of diarrehea, which can be common with these drugs. I told her it had been almost two months on the patch without that problem and it was just something she ate. The bottom line is she stopped using it. I insisted she call her old doctor and let her know what was going on. She did and has been prescribed with an alternate medication, I can't remember the name of it.

Big week ahead with her 75th birthday party next Saturday and her 85 yr old aunt coming in from Portland OR.

Is anybody out there?

Yesterday was quite a frustrating day. I scheduled a dinner at Harbour Village for Mom. The coordinator said they were having an event after dinner at which she could attend and meet a couple of people. So I called Mom and told her to meet me there.

I gave her specific directions which I thought would make for a simple trip; once on the freeway, exactly 1 turn into complex. She called me back before she left to review the directions. It sounded like she was clear.

I was wrong. 30 minutes late, an hour late, 1.5 hours late. Now I was worried. I called her cell phone, house phone, my house, my nephew (she had previously scheduled meeting him, but changed those plans to meet me) to no avail. Cell went right to voicemail, so she probably had it turned off. Nothing made sense. Where in the hell was she!!

I was sitting in the driveway of Harbour Village with my car pointing at the street, hoping I would see her drive by. After 90 minutes, a security guard came up to me to ask what was going on. I told him the story so we went inside because he thought she was in there. She wasn't. Not knowing what else to do, I got back in my car and decided to drive to her house on the route she was supposed to take. I envisioned the worse: her car piled up in an accident. I asked God for help and please don't show me something I don't want to see.

I called my wife, Laura, to let her know what was up and what I was doing. In frustration to what she was telling me to do, I cut that call short. About halfway to moms' house, Laura called me to say Mom had just pulled in the driveway! This was 2 hours after we were supposed to meet. I could hear her in the background saying "I shouldn't ever leave her somewhere and not show up." I told Laura I didn't want to get into it and I'd be home in awhile.

I pulled off the freeway and ate dinner at McDonald's. I was relieved she was safe and knew I had to get this going faster than ever. I had to get her moved into a safe environment ASAP. I was done with this chasing around, driving around, trying to believe she could still drive from point A to point B to meet me places. This was a big revelation for me and for her: Life was about to end as we knew it.

Relocation Need

Today I went with my mom back to Harbour Village to take a look at a unit that opened up for rent. She had lost the initial enthusiasm after our earlier visit. I think it was the cold realization that this is where she might die. Also a healthy fear of the unknown. What if she didn't like this place?

We set the appointment and I gave her directions...off the freeway....to get there. Of course, the road was under construction and she got all turned around. She called on her cell and said she didn't know where she was. Great--I had a business meeting later in the morning and things were going to get tight. I got pissed on the call. Lack of patience has always been a problem for me. I asked God to grant me serenity to accept the things I can not change. She ended up parking the car and I went and picked her up...6 miles from where we were supposed to meet!

Got to the complex, viewed the actual unit and tried to size up rooms for her furniture. The lease they have is so chalked full of legal bullshit, no 75 year old could ever understand it. Though, they do state you need to read it and understand. Right. I told her I may have to go to an attorney just to make sure. In the end, we put down a reservation deposit and now it's up to me to make arrangements to move Mom in.