Money Matters

It's Christmas time. Mom still knows it is. We were discussing gifts for the grandkids and the topic of money came up. Money matters, because of her estate, the projected costs for dealing with her Alzheimer's and just managing a budget so the trust money lasts. We talked about this about a week ago when we were with the estate planning attorney. She had told my sister's kids over Thanksgiving that she doesn't have any money and they'd each get $50. Of course, that went over like a lead balloon.

I told her she's fine and that she could give everybody $1000 each and not be worried about it. That sounded good to her, so I was comfortable with the decision. Fast forward to last week. She came over for dinner and to go hear Adrianne sing at the high school Christmas concert. I took a look in her checkbook, because she always wants to know the balance. I saw that some checks had been written to two of my sister's kids. Let's just say that one of them has been taking advantage of grandma when it comes to asking for money, and I was not happy.

I blew up, told Mom what I thought about my nephew, dropped several f-bombs and generally had a meltdown. Of course, I picked up the phone and left a nasty message for my sister instructing her to reign in her kid or I'd do it for her! She called back a couple hours later and I really didn't hear what she said because I unloaded several years of resentments I have about her kids and what they're doing with my mom. Greed overrode logic, anger presided over calm and I said many things that I can never take back. Sounds like some 10th Step work is required. Ugh...

We do have to keep in mind that this disease can end up costing us a lot of money. Most of my family doesn't remember that. The money has flowed freely, partly due to the fact Mom can't remember what she's doing and how much she's already given to everybody, myself included. It's tough dealing with this: She's almost to the point of not being able to handle her finances and pay bills. It is a progressive disease. I know that. It's just hard admitting it.

Thanksgiving

Yesterday I went with my daughter to visit Mom for lunch. We weren't going to see her on Thanksgiving and Adrianne had no school so it was a good opportunity.

Mom invited us in, since A hadn't seen her place yet. I think she enjoyed showing her where she lived. Still complaining about the clothes dryer.

The topic of Christmas came up and Mom asked what Adrianne wanted as a gift. Money, of course. I asked mom what she wanted, and she said "My memory back." She still knows that she has a memory problem, so I guess that's a good thing. If you can call Alzheimer's a good thing.

Closing up Phoenix- Leaving these Memories Behind

Traveled with mom down to her condo in Sun City last week. Our goal was to clean the place out and put it on the market. Determined that this was the first time since I was about 17 that I spent an entire 5 whole days with her! From sun up to sun down. Learned lots of things about her, and me, and Alzheimer's.

While we got a lot done, there were lots of teachable moments for me regarding patience and the power of forgetfulness. In the end we had lots of great times down there and I felt much closer to my mom than I've felt in a long time. We never know when our parents are going to leave us: In this case mentally may precede physically.

75 Years and counting

Mom, Michelle, Adrianne and Nikki

Yesterday was mom's 75th birthday party. She keeps saying she doesn't believe she's lived this long. Why not?

It took place at Harmony Inn, village of Greendale. My sister did a lot of the planning and we picked this place cuz mom said she loves the food. Her aunt Helen was there from Portland, my two uncles, two of her old friends from Arizona and all my sister's kids and Jim's kids.

Everything went well and she pretty much was on top of things with her memory. She told me several times she had a great time and enjoyed the party. Hey, you're only 75 once!

On the Road Again

Today, I invited Mom out to the house for dinner. The challenge was if she could find her way by herself...given my directions. Hurray! She did it. One small step for man, one giant leap for Mom! And she made it back home without incident. It made me feel good, I hope she felt the same.

Earlier in the week I went over to finish doing some decorating and she informed me she stopped using the Exelon patch and that she didn't have a memory problem. She also said she started having the side affect of diarrehea, which can be common with these drugs. I told her it had been almost two months on the patch without that problem and it was just something she ate. The bottom line is she stopped using it. I insisted she call her old doctor and let her know what was going on. She did and has been prescribed with an alternate medication, I can't remember the name of it.

Big week ahead with her 75th birthday party next Saturday and her 85 yr old aunt coming in from Portland OR.

One Week- Post Move

Mom has been in her new place one week today. Yesterday she called to sing me happy birthday. Only problem is that my birthday is today. It's the thought that counts, even if it's a bit abstract.

She told me things are going okay. She got over the depressed feeling of moving very quickly. Seems to be able to do that, just like when LeRoy (my stepdad) died. On the surface, she seemed pretty resilient. Over the years now, I do hear some deep feelings of loniless. Guess I'd be lonely too, if my wife of 25 years died.

Told me she might lead a craft class around the holidays to help residents build wreaths. Also told me 3 people showed up for line dancing, and didn't really do any dancing, just shuffling their feet. I told her she needs to be the driving organizer to get more participation. She used to dance a lot but has slowed way down due to her back problems.

Moving Day- Sept 1

This was the first day of a new life, again. Mom was moving in to her new apartment today. She seemed ready, I just hoped I was. She was tired this week from getting everything packed up and set to go. I guess if she was defiant, she'd have just sat around and said "I'm not going". The driving incident a week ago really scared her. I think that helped in a strange way, convince her she needed to be in a safer place.

Two Men and a Truck showed up at 8:30. I stopped prior to get a couple of coffees and some big cinnamon rolls from Panera. That is her favorite place. She won't be going back there again, at least not without one of us. I had just finished taking the big bed apart when they rolled in, so we were ready to go. Took them a couple of hours to load up her life. I look around at all the shit I've collected throughout the years. This is what could happen to all of it: we just downside our lives to fit the situation.

As the last pieces were loaded, her and I sat there and looked around. I know this had to be painful. I said, "This is it. Take a look around because you won't be coming back." I could feel my lower lip quiver a bit. She said she knew the fact. I gave her a short hug and left. She followed me up to Harbour Village with the truck close behind. I was concerned driving there because of all the freeway construction. Tons of traffic, closed lanes, and semis everywhere (she never liked driving around big rigs). I didn't want to lose her because of what happened before.

We made it with everybody, and everything in tow. Over the course of the next three hours we unloaded things and I did the best I could to arrange furniture and put together her bed. The new place is smaller than her condo, but everything fit somewhere. We were pretty organized and she was actually able to remember where she packed most things. Just needed some food in the frig and the phone and TV connected and she'd be in business.

Called my sister to meet us for dinner. She came over with Jim (her fiancee...number 4) and we all ate in the main dining room where they serve dinner. As you come in, off to the side is "Walker Central" with a dozen walkers all lined up. This is where we end up as humans: unable to walk, unable to wipe our own asses, unable to remember what day it is.

The food was good. The wait staff attentive (and young) and the room comfortable and elegant. I liked it. At least we could all be there as a family and share a meal on her first night. I hoped she could stay independent for many years to come. She called for a family prayer before we ate and thanked God for leading her to this place. I pray God will help us all as the disease progresses.

Is anybody out there?

Yesterday was quite a frustrating day. I scheduled a dinner at Harbour Village for Mom. The coordinator said they were having an event after dinner at which she could attend and meet a couple of people. So I called Mom and told her to meet me there.

I gave her specific directions which I thought would make for a simple trip; once on the freeway, exactly 1 turn into complex. She called me back before she left to review the directions. It sounded like she was clear.

I was wrong. 30 minutes late, an hour late, 1.5 hours late. Now I was worried. I called her cell phone, house phone, my house, my nephew (she had previously scheduled meeting him, but changed those plans to meet me) to no avail. Cell went right to voicemail, so she probably had it turned off. Nothing made sense. Where in the hell was she!!

I was sitting in the driveway of Harbour Village with my car pointing at the street, hoping I would see her drive by. After 90 minutes, a security guard came up to me to ask what was going on. I told him the story so we went inside because he thought she was in there. She wasn't. Not knowing what else to do, I got back in my car and decided to drive to her house on the route she was supposed to take. I envisioned the worse: her car piled up in an accident. I asked God for help and please don't show me something I don't want to see.

I called my wife, Laura, to let her know what was up and what I was doing. In frustration to what she was telling me to do, I cut that call short. About halfway to moms' house, Laura called me to say Mom had just pulled in the driveway! This was 2 hours after we were supposed to meet. I could hear her in the background saying "I shouldn't ever leave her somewhere and not show up." I told Laura I didn't want to get into it and I'd be home in awhile.

I pulled off the freeway and ate dinner at McDonald's. I was relieved she was safe and knew I had to get this going faster than ever. I had to get her moved into a safe environment ASAP. I was done with this chasing around, driving around, trying to believe she could still drive from point A to point B to meet me places. This was a big revelation for me and for her: Life was about to end as we knew it.

Relocation Need

Today I went with my mom back to Harbour Village to take a look at a unit that opened up for rent. She had lost the initial enthusiasm after our earlier visit. I think it was the cold realization that this is where she might die. Also a healthy fear of the unknown. What if she didn't like this place?

We set the appointment and I gave her directions...off the freeway....to get there. Of course, the road was under construction and she got all turned around. She called on her cell and said she didn't know where she was. Great--I had a business meeting later in the morning and things were going to get tight. I got pissed on the call. Lack of patience has always been a problem for me. I asked God to grant me serenity to accept the things I can not change. She ended up parking the car and I went and picked her up...6 miles from where we were supposed to meet!

Got to the complex, viewed the actual unit and tried to size up rooms for her furniture. The lease they have is so chalked full of legal bullshit, no 75 year old could ever understand it. Though, they do state you need to read it and understand. Right. I told her I may have to go to an attorney just to make sure. In the end, we put down a reservation deposit and now it's up to me to make arrangements to move Mom in.

Alternate Living Quarters

A week or so ago I had Mom over for dinner. My plan was to let her know I was out looking at housing options. I had already gone to Harbour Village in Milwaukee. My mother-in-law wound up there at the later stages of her Alzheimer's, so I was familiar with that portion of the community.

Our conversation was good, we had dinner with the family, and I started to hint at her lack of social activity and finding some seniors to hang with. That led to "I know where you're going with this, and I don't want any part of it." So I'm shot down before I even got started. I let her know that yes, I had been out looking and in fact found a great alternative to her current living quarters (the condo).

She let her guard down enough to at least let me explain the brochure and look at the floor plans for different apartments. We talked for a good hour about how this was what her doctor suggested, that this was NOT a nursing home, and brought her closer to both me and my sister. I put on the hard sell, trying to convince her this was a better option to what she had. Much to my surprise, she instantly said "Let's do it!"

Wow. I almost started crying and told her it wasn't easy for me either. This was great. I suggested she think it over and let me know her thoughts. I gave her the brochure with lots of reading material and she went home.

Shocked again---she called me the next morning and said she wanted to make the move immediately! I told her that was great and called my sister to let her know of the buy-in. I called the director at Harbour House and arranged to meet her with my mom and sister the next day.

Doctor Visit

This is a late post. Hey, I forgot! Last week I went with my mom and sister to my mom's doctor. This was the follow-up visit to discuss test results. My fears were confirmed: early-mid stage Alzheimer's. Dementia is another word for Alzheimer's.

So we went through different scenarios. I posed a lot of questions and Mom dropped the "S" bomb when discussing how she would deal with possibly moving to assisted care. S as in suicide. Right the to doctor's face. The doc was very surprised. And of course, she asked if mom was depressed and she had some pills for that too. Shit, I was depressed and I didn't even get the diagnosis. Too many pill pushin' dr's out there.

We talked through that and I think Mom was convinced in the end that we are looking out for her and this is what loving children do for their parents. Her diet was addressed, living in the condo and response to Exelon. I had to push a little bit and talk about things that have been glossed over before. Plus I got to sit there and hear it right from the dr's mouth about the prognosis.

And so it's confirmed by one doctor: Alzheimer's.

Day Sixtenth

My sister told me her boyfriend's birthday party was this weekend and all his family was coming up to the lake house, so Mom didn't have a place to sleep. I've got a problem with my sister putting herself and everything to do with boyfriend Jim, first.

So she suggested I keep Mom busy this weekend. It's hard for me to plan in advance, I guess in a way, because we've got things we want to do also. So I'm a hypocrite? Well, it was Tuesday night and I told Mom to come up Wednesday morning, stay the night, and spend some time together.

She made it up fine. Went to lunch with Adrianne. We had a fish fry, which she loves, and just hung out talking. Coincidentally, my cousin Sue sent me a package. I have to say I've never got a thing from her all my life. It turns out my uncle has also moved to a senior living residence and they were cleaning out the house. She had packaged up a bunch of old photos she found of me and my family.

Wow. There were some really old shots of my dad, going all the way back to his birth records, his fifth grade class photo, some shots of all of us together (my parents got divorced when I was 15), my grandparents and a bunch of me and my sister. I feel my mom still hates my dad, even after all these years. It was a total dysfunctional marriage and family. Either way, it was good to reminisce.

I have to go back to Arizona with Mom later this year to get her car and bring back some personal items she has down there. I'll have to plan on getting that house on the market to sell. She started to cry when we talked about it, saying it was the best time of her life with LeRoy (my stepdad) down there. I started to think how hard it's going to be to tell her she's going to have to move again--into an extended care facility.

Day Fourteenth

Another week gone by. Another trail of memory traps. My sister has been having some problems with this, mainly because her kids keep bugging her about the problems Mom is having. She feels the burden of not knowing what to do.

Mom said her headaches have subsided by the end of the week. It appears Exelon side effects are manageable for her. Is it helping? My sister and I both don't know what it's supposed to do for her. I know there is no cure, but reduction in memory lapses would be nice.

I called her the other day and she was trying to make chocolate chip cookies. Great! But she couldn't get the oven to work. It's brand new but she doesn't cook anymore. So she read me the manual over the phone and was able to get it started. The timer was another issue, but I think things worked out. I never called back to find out.

My sister called me tonite to say Mom had several lapses in memory about events that happened throughout the week; just a few days ago. I know. This is Alzheimer's.

Day Threeteenth

My mom got back from a long 4th of July weekend with my sister. She called me to say she has the Exelon patch on and she has a terrible headache. She accepted the fact this is a side effect. I'm hoping this is the extent of it.

She remembered several events of the weekend, but couldn't easily recall who was all there. She did remember an event from last week (5 days ago) that involved my daugther, Adrianne. In detail she brought up the TV show she was watching that Mom didn't approve of. I told her things have really changed since she was a kid, and cable TV gets away with a lot more stuff that borders on "adult content". She felt it was inappropriate. Good: at least she still has morals!

Day Twoteenth

I'll have to fill in the history gaps as I go. My hunch is this will be a long and painful journey.

My mom had finally decided to go to her doctor for an evaluation. We had been asking her to do it for weeks, but no luck. Last week she told me she woke up and didn't know where she was and was scared. Magically, the next day she made the appt with her Dr. During that app't the doc ran a quick memory test and concluded there were some signs of mild to moderate Alzheimers. She will be going in for a CT and blood work next week.

The dr had prescribed Exelon patch. I only found that out because mom said that "nothing's wrong and my memory problems are mild." I didn't buy it so I called the dr directly. The nurse told me about the Exelon script, of which mom mentioned nothing. When I saw her next I asked about what scripts were written at the appt. She did not remember Exelon. When I mentioned this, it jogged her memory and she did say she remembered something about that. I asked her not to get mad at me for calling her dr. I told her I'm just trying to look out for her own good...and said I love her.

She left my house to go home and then called to say there was no Exelon script sitting there to be filled. I called the dr back and found out it was called in directly to the pharmacy...and mom was supposed to go pick it up. During the call she also mentioned that she felt mom was borderline MODERATE, not mild. It took about a minute or so, but I felt this wave of anger and sadness sweep over me. I pounded on the car and felt like crying. I know what's coming. I've seen people die from this. My daughter was with me so I held back the tears. Shit this sucks!

Day Oneteenth

It hit me today as I was driving to work. I should try to diary the experience I'm about to embark on: dealing with my Mom and Alzheimer's. I saw the exercise posted as an activity for those who've been diagnosed, but I don't know how the hell they'll keep up when they forget how to type or don't know their name. So why not me? I'll keep the diary, a blog for today's times.

My wife's mother went through it- for 13 years, and died last year. Both my grandparents on my mom's side went through it, and both died from complications of it. Close friends parents have died from it or are going through it now. It's all around me, and now it's upon me.

It's been a year now since myself and my family first starting noticing a problem with mom's memory. It was a few of those funny forgetful moments that we all laughed about. "What are you talking about?" was the typical comment from us. I guess I need to provide a little history about her, her life leading up to this moment, and where we are today.

She'll turn 75 this year and is in pretty good health and a bit overweight. She takes what looks to be the typical dose of meds as prescribed by a myriad of physicians and her own volition: heart, thyroid, tylenol, vision, vitamins. Two years ago she ended up in the ER with a bowel obstruction and upon further review, cancerous polyps were found and surgically removed. So far, no other events since then. She's still good about monitoring pill dosages and remembering when she takes them and how many she took.

She lived in Arizona for the past 18 years with my stepdad, but he died three years ago and now she's decided to move back to Wisconsin permanently. This is her second summer back here and will be her first winter here in quite a long time (20 yrs?). It's the Summer of 2010, the grass is green, the days are wonderfully long. Mom lives alone in a condo about an hour from my house. My sister was close by, but recently moved about 30 minutes North. Her grandson moved into my sister's house, so he's still close. Other than him and his wife, we're all in the "bothersome" driving range to go to her house on a regular basis. Isn't it funny how parents become bothersome as we get older? Wonder what I was like at say, at 14...